Some people are close to their mothers, others have complicated relationships that leave us yearning to heal and love no matter the odds. Nine years ago, during the final minutes of my mother's life, I was given a gift that has carried me through the years.
My mom felt deeply. She channeled those feelings into fame, craving the spotlight like I crave chocolate. Mom often told me that it was only when she was on stage that she felt loved. Ever since I was a child, my mother told me stories of betrayal, hurt and laid her anger at my feet. Wanting her love, I picked up her burdens and stored them in my heart.
Even though at the core I knew that she loved me, I was never enough. Until, in her 80's she got colon cancer. My first instinct was to abandon her the way I believed that she abandoned me during some very trying times in my life. Yet, love is such a powerful emotion and I made it my mission to be right by her side. Our relationship became more tender and began to morph into what I had always wanted our relationship to be.
Towards the very end of her life, she was in agony. Trying to comfort her, I got Hospice to bring her a softer mattress so that she could sleep. They did. Then one day, I got a call filled with rage. Mom told me that she never wanted to speak with me again. Why, I thought to myself. Why when we are finally bonding is she throwing my love away... again.
The hurt seared my heart. I gave up. Then, her nurse called me and said that she believed my mom was going to pass any day. She told me that I needed to call Mom, no matter what she had done. I did and during that call, my whole life with her became clear.
Through sobs, Mom said, "You must be very disappointed in me!"
Disappointed? "Why would I be disappointed?" I asked, feeling totally thrown off.
"Because you got me that mattress for me and I couldn't get on it," she answered. "I know you tried so hard to make everything okay for me, you must be so disappointed..."
Finally, everything became crystal clear. All the anger she showed me was because the thought of being vulnerable must have made her feel unprotected and weak. So many people had hurt her and she didn't want to get too close to me because I might hurt her too.
Something re-wired my heart. Love flowed through me and I realized that it is never too late to forgive.
On the day that Mom passed, I had a knowing and filled the room with white roses. As my mom went through her transition, I had the honor of holding her hand and singing all of her favorite songs. She mouthed the name of Hannah, her beloved grandmother, and then with her last breath, Mom said that she loved me... 25 times. Those words still reverberate in my heart!
Then I watched in wonder as a bolt of light seemed to fly out of her body. My mom, as I knew her, was gone. Yet, a new mom, one that is an angel on my shoulder, is a constant reminder that once a personality transitions, only pure love can come through.